Friday, November 25, 2011

A Day in the Life of a Spoiled Dog

Inspired by this somewhat ridiculous post at feministe,  I bring you a day in the life of our dog.

5:00  - Wake up, stare balefully at the Woman for getting out of bed.  Consider whether or not to go for a run with the Woman or go back to sleep.

5:15 - Run off leash in perfect heel position to the the park.  Run like a child who just ate 15 pixie sticks. Greet other dogs and humans who are willing to pet.  As soon as the Woman hits the end of the trail fall into heel position without a word from the Woman.  Gracefully accept the compliments of the other runners and walkers.

6:15 - Go back to sleep on the Woman's pillow.

6:30 - Yawn and stretch.  Tap the Man - on the nose - until he wakes up and provides affection.

6:40 - Pad over to get a drink of water and food, followed by a quick patrol of the backyard.

6:50 - Sit on the Woman's feet while she eats her breakfast looking pitifully up at her until she surrenders half of her Cheerios.

7:15 - Watch the Woman leave for work.  Sit on the back of the sofa and pout for at least 10 minutes.

7:30 - Follow the Man into his office.  Look adorable and pitiful until he lets me sit in his chair.  This may require rolling on my back, pawing his leg and making "Arrroaa" noises.  Stretch to take up 75 percent of the chair and he is perched precariously on the edge.

11:00 - Patrol the backyard.

11:30 - Go with the Man to meet the Woman for lunch at the park.  Chase birds, run, swim, dig, periodically tap either of the humans for water or a thrown toy.  Greet other dogs and humans who look willing to pet.

12:30 - Mope about leaving the park.  Look pitiful until the Man decides to work outside.  This may require bringing every toy and placing them on his feet.  Chase birds, run, swim, dig, periodically request a thrown toy.   Curl up next to the Man to nap.

5:15 - Go inside and sit on the back of the sofa and stare at the door to the garage.

5:20 - Greet the Woman profusely.  Lay just outside the screen door looking pitiful until the Woman comes outside.  Chase birds, run, swim, dig, periodically request a thrown toy.

5:45 - Tap dance in the kitchen while the Woman prepares my dinner.

6:00 - Stare pitifully at both humans while they eat dinner until they feed you nearly all of their veggies.

6:30 - Lay in the Woman's spot while she and the Man clean up.

6:45 - Cuddle the Woman when she sits down.  Begin the Great Migration with a single paw on the lap.  Then a nose.  Then both paws and a nose.  Then request belly rubs while simultaneously moving shoulders on to the lap.  Gently push the laptop or xbox controller off the lap while nuzzling the Woman's hand.  Fully take over the lap and fall asleep.  Make huffy noises if the Woman gets up to use the restroom or shifts position on the sofa. 

9:30 - Stand in front of the bedroom door staring at both humans until they go to bed.

9:35 - Grab a nosh while the humans get ready for bed.

10:00 - Once the humans are comfortably ensconced in bed proceed with the nightly affection ritual.  Bring various toys to place on the pillows of the humans.  Nuzzle each human.  Employ the Arrroaa Technique.  Stretch.  Make "Pfffttt" noises into the blanket.  After collecting all the affection sprawl out to take up the third of the bed between the humans and all of the blanket.  Look adorable and smiley so that the humans won't want to move me.  Sleep.

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